unbreakable bond

Unbreakable bonds.

Many people have never understood my bond with Steph, some have but for the most part not many people "get it"
A lot thought we were gay because of our closeness and that we shut everyone out for most of our lives. Even if we were gay, who gives a shit. But turns out, we are not.

When the movie Snow Flower and the Secret Fan came out, it was then I realized the bond. Laotong is a type of relationship in Chinese culture that bonded two girls together for eternity as kindred sisters.

Although obviously we are not Chinese, we are a bonded pair, fate had it's way when we met and for the longest time I never questioned it, I still don't question that bond at all, how we handled it, I do.
Some people view us as sisters and we are, only we share no blood. We met at 9 years ago and she became family instantly.

As we've grown we've had best friends together, a 3rd or 4th person who was friends with "us". It was both or nothing for a very long time. Never stopping to realized some people wanted individual time with each of us.

In my eyes, no one would ever have my back like her, no one deserved my time like she did and NO ONE would get between us.

There is a lot of unhealthy traits in that, there is a level of codependency that was over looked for years. After moving and life changing in such big ways and as with everything in our life she was brave to be the first to start to explore with dating and such. I was proud of her but over looked it for myself, I had no interest after all but wanted her to figure it out.

Recently her and I talked about that and the people who have been in our lives. After my post about Phil she admitted she should have let me explore that more cause at the time she really didn't like him and her influence definitely kept things at bay.
Lucky for her one night he called and I was asleep, so she got to talk to him for a while and later told me she thought he was deep down a good dude. I was always thankful she got that before he died.
He will always be mine and hers first funeral too, another of many scary bonding experiences we've had together.

Along the way we've both found our ways, yes it was absolutely brutal getting here. Our fears of anyone getting between us was real. I was lucky I found a best friend in Matthew and even after dating we remain such, he accepted her and I, he's always reminding me how important friendship is over all else, cause it is.

She may have had some in her life I didn't like, but I would absolutely never make her choose or make her feel she couldn't experience something.
I wanted her to explore, to find a way to be content and of course I'd like to get along with them as well and finally she made it.

But there was a lot of cost in all of that.
Our bond was tested a few times, questions we never had, fears exposed at their highest level, but we never waivered.

It's still all there, in a new way, a healthier way.

She has recently had to endure me wading these waters I'm in. She's encouraging and supportive for what I'll give her, but with all we've been through we can now look at each other and see what we did wrong in the past.
We've forgiven each other for holding the other one back when it may have not been necessary or just done out of fear.
Those times that the advice to make sure the other didn't sway wasn't the best thing to do, but it was to make sure no one could come between us.
Which now is a ridiculous notion. No one could, it's up to us, that's our bond and our choices. Seeing it's okay to allow others in as well was our biggest obstacle.

Even the best intentions can hold us still, especially when there is fear involved.

At the end of the day the paths we took got us to where we are and maybe those road blocks we gave each other were needed. Sometimes it might not feel that way, but I believe it's true. I wouldn't change any of it, well maybe a few things, like that one night... Haha

I still have the truest person in my life. Even if we are now independent of one another. It allows us to be rich in experiences and to bond with other people in ways we couldn't as a pair. It took me years to figure that out, but I'm glad I did and I know she is too.

I guess I have to acknowledge the people who have been in our lives, for understanding or attempting to understanding it. Those who may have wanted a bigger bond with either of us individually or not. I know some have even said it's weird when it's just one of us around and I guess it really is for a few of you. Still I'm thankful for all of it, I'm thankful we collectively have so many amazing friends that accepted us both and as individuals.

Mostly that I can say some bonds can not be broken and I'm one of the lucky ones to have that. 

Unlikeable

Unlikeable. 

Imagine having a heart pure and full of good intentions but feeling unlikeable. 

Shutting yourself off from allowing others to show you how amazing of a human you are. 

Underestimating the impression you leave on others. 

The laughter and joy you bring to a room, yet feeling you're a bother.

Why is it those who think they are unlikeable are the most likeable and so hard to approach? 

Why does the shells they build seem so impenetrable, just impossible to crack. 

I know I feel unlikeable for the most part, but I wonder if I seem that impossible... 

I don't mean to and I don't think others do either. 

But what do we protect ourselves from?

Something is in us that is just so full of doubt. 

Where does that come from? Is it self-esteem, fear or combination of it all?

In my 4 decades of life, I've never been so focused on how fear holds us so incredibly still and the idea of standing up to those fears. 

But here I am looking in a mirror asking how can someone feel like this and then be so guilty of the exact same feeling myself.

If fear holds you in place, does the truth really set you free? 

At what cost is it worth it to just stand up, let go of fears and just be your true authentic self and speak the truths you hide from so many. 

At the end of the day, what do we actually have to lose?

Walking with fear

There are many common things we all deal with as emotional humans. Some of us deal with more emotions, some less. 

But we all have them, one that is ever present in all of our lives is fear. Sure some of us are a little braver than others, but most still have some fear. 

Be that is an actual fear of say; heights, spiders, clowns etc. or fears of reactions, rejection or even being honest.

It can stem from so many places for each of us and we all handle it so differently.  

I recently read this poem about facing your fears and your disappointments. It offers the thought of just feeling them fully and allowing those feelings to happen. 

Embrace them and make them a part of your life, walk towards them if you will. 

I sat a few days with this, could that work?

 

So, I took something I've been carrying for a few months now that I've fought with myself over, been sick over and just was trying to stuff it away and faced my first road block. 

My anxiety was really high talking to ex about this would be hard, maybe awkward too, would he be upset? shocked? what will his reaction be!

I couldn't squeeze my own hands hard enough. I focused on that fear or reaction.

I thought.. "this is fear, I'm so scared right now of the reaction to this. It's okay to be scared"

I finally uttered some words that needed to be said. 

What felt like this huge crazy confession that I had built up so much quickly turned into a talk with one of my very best friends who didn't skip a beat to show me support and encourage me, to help me figure things out. 

It opened a door of honesty that was lacking between us, lifted that weight off me and proved so much more to me.

Being told I was brave to admit what I had been carrying wasn't what I thought I'd hear either. I failed to realize it was brave, I was focused on how damn scared I was. 

For once I looked at fear and said, I'm gonna feel you, I'm gonna walk with you and I'm still going to do what's brought you here no matter what. 

Honestly, I have never felt such a moment of freedom, of relief. I know not all situations will go this smoothly, but it was still eye opening. 

Now.... If I can do it again, time will tell me that if I can, for now I'm just enjoying the peace it's brought to me, fighting with yourself over your own feelings can become a little overwhelming and almost unhealthy. I didn't need to feel the shame and guilt the way I was, I needed to walk with it, I needed to face it and see if it was even justified and hurdle one proved it wasn't justified, it was fear in my way.

But steps were taken and I'm so thankful for that as it's changed so much already. 

Loving yourself?

I lived most of my life believing no one could like me more than just friend. I’m not saying this for pity or anything either, it's just what I've always carried. 

 I’ve never felt attractive, like ever. I even went through a faze of purposely hiding how I looked naturally during those punk goth days, shaved my head and eyebrows all that.

But the whole notion people tell you that you can't be loved until you love yourself was always something I held on to back then, after I finally let someone in I realized allowing someone to love you is what helps you learn to love yourself in some ways.

When you feel someone loving you I think it allows you to see yourself differently too, you see the good parts you ignore for the most part, you see the light in their eyes because you are giving them the same thing they want, you in a way get a different view of yourself by allowing them in to show you.

So, that notion is pretty damning in some ways and I'm definitely not knocking it, for some people it's the only way to be, I'm genuinely stoaked for anyone who has a grasp on that. But this is what I learned about this very notion. 

Letting someone in is so hard for me it's more about believing that they actually have interest because for the most part I’ve always believed that no one would have interest, so it’s hard to believe. 

Like, in Rocky when Adrian thinks he's teasing her, that level of self doubt is hard to work past. 

It's always in my mind, that I’m too complicated, how I look, how I don’t feel worthy of it. I just always felt people would not be into me, that I only made a good friend. And well, I do, I'm an awesome friend. But I found through a few that there is more to me than that. 

Although I struggled greatly with allowing myself to be loved, I had no issues giving and caring for others.

It's the being loved and cared for. I dive deep in trying to figure out where that block came from and have yet to pinpoint it. 

Hearing other people’s issues with dating ranges in so many ways. We sort of build this stigma around it, losing your independence, being seen as selfish for wanting your own time, having to agree on everything, someone setting boundaries good and bad, all the other bad stuff too.

It’s all there. But what I learned was being fully independent of one another is actually the key to making it work.

Communication, honesty and understanding are also, for me the biggest part of it all. And all those same issues happen within friendships also, you just add a title and some intimacy and it's all heightened 100%. 

But as someone who spent most of my life with those key components held within my friendship with my heterosexual life mate it’s so simple. Yet we lacked our independence. 

We were joined, it wasn't healthy, I have a long write up about that soon.

I think my point is, I shorted myself. I blocked so much out for so long that all I want is the things I know exist. I don't know if it's because I feel like life is short and I'm going to miss out or what. But this has been a nagging feeling for a while now.

Those secret glances you have with only that person. The feeling you get knowing without a doubt they care, they see you more than anyone else, they hear you and let you listen, and they are not scared to show you any of it or fear judgement from others. 

There is just a certain level of freedom in all of that. 

Do you have to really love yourself to allow love in? You should to a certain level, but really loving yourself could certainly be one never ending egg hunt in a maze so large you’ll never find your way out. 

But if someone is there to hold your hand and keep you company it doesn’t seem so bad, their heart speaks to yours and helps you see, you do love yourself you just need a little help seeing it.

Out of my mind.

I want you out of my mind... 

Your eyes, your grin, your hair line, your laugh. 

Get out of my mind, you're there so often it's becoming annoying. 

It's all consuming, it's living between heaven and hell.

Please get out of my hopes, my dreams my fears, my desires and longing.

I want to erase the image of your face from my mind and forget all I know of you.

I'd like to trade in my mind for a newer version. One where you're not the first image that pops up.  

Only I know how bad I'd miss you if that happened. 

So maybe get out.... but only for the night.