Never the same.

You know when the feeling starts to creep in that you're aware things will never be as they once were. That new way of being.

That... heartbreak of losing something you hold dear.

It's that sort of forced feeling, isn't it?
Making you handle it, pushing you to let go of something even if you don't want to.

You have the fears of letting go too soon.
Maybe it'll pass..  it's nothing personal.

The fears that keep you in place.

How is it you can live so honestly but somethings you can not admit, those words can never come out of your mouth.

Would it fix anything? Make it worse? Make it better?

Are the things you foresee losing worth the risk of a confession?

What is worth the risk?

Seeing the shift and feeling it's never going to be the same.
Maybe it won't and that's okay, maybe it will get even better or it continues to get worse.

Until someone is willing and brave enough you are sort of left to wade in waters, without safety.
Just set to drift as far as the sea can take you before you are exhausted and give up or maybe you'll be lucky and someone will rescue you.

And then you'll know that the fears you had about everything changing wasn't for the bad, it was for the better.

At least you can hope so. 

May 11, 2023

I've been thinking a lot. The time of change and shifts we go through are the best times to just think. 

I've found my self in a new place, one where I believe I know all the things I actually want, not saying I'll get them but figuring it out is hard! I've fought with myself over so much lately, I've been down right mean to myself at times, but in some ways I feel I had to hash me out with me. 

All those years I spent trying to fix something instead of realizing it wasn't broken, it just wasn't what it was suppose to be. 

I see now what it is I want and although I feel I'll stay in limbo from fears and what is seemingly impossible, I at least know and I find a sense of peace with that. 

I can answer myself for once in a really long time.

There was this guilt I had for a while, then a ton of denial mixed with confusion. Which, I've landed in a spot of knowing I'll probably never actually know what it's like. 

I can dream, I can long and I can hold it in for all my days and part of me is perfectly content doing so.

I don't think I'm shut off anymore, just not seeking either. 

Finding a way to be okay and stay that way will be a challenge and maybe one day it'll change.

Either it will work, I'll stay content or I'll let go, but mostly I'm sort of glad I at least know and that's probably the hardest part.