Unlikeable

Unlikeable. 

Imagine having a heart pure and full of good intentions but feeling unlikeable. 

Shutting yourself off from allowing others to show you how amazing of a human you are. 

Underestimating the impression you leave on others. 

The laughter and joy you bring to a room, yet feeling you're a bother.

Why is it those who think they are unlikeable are the most likeable and so hard to approach? 

Why does the shells they build seem so impenetrable, just impossible to crack. 

I know I feel unlikeable for the most part, but I wonder if I seem that impossible... 

I don't mean to and I don't think others do either. 

But what do we protect ourselves from?

Something is in us that is just so full of doubt. 

Where does that come from? Is it self-esteem, fear or combination of it all?

In my 4 decades of life, I've never been so focused on how fear holds us so incredibly still and the idea of standing up to those fears. 

But here I am looking in a mirror asking how can someone feel like this and then be so guilty of the exact same feeling myself.

If fear holds you in place, does the truth really set you free? 

At what cost is it worth it to just stand up, let go of fears and just be your true authentic self and speak the truths you hide from so many. 

At the end of the day, what do we actually have to lose?

Walking with fear

There are many common things we all deal with as emotional humans. Some of us deal with more emotions, some less. 

But we all have them, one that is ever present in all of our lives is fear. Sure some of us are a little braver than others, but most still have some fear. 

Be that is an actual fear of say; heights, spiders, clowns etc. or fears of reactions, rejection or even being honest.

It can stem from so many places for each of us and we all handle it so differently.  

I recently read this poem about facing your fears and your disappointments. It offers the thought of just feeling them fully and allowing those feelings to happen. 

Embrace them and make them a part of your life, walk towards them if you will. 

I sat a few days with this, could that work?

 

So, I took something I've been carrying for a few months now that I've fought with myself over, been sick over and just was trying to stuff it away and faced my first road block. 

My anxiety was really high talking to ex about this would be hard, maybe awkward too, would he be upset? shocked? what will his reaction be!

I couldn't squeeze my own hands hard enough. I focused on that fear or reaction.

I thought.. "this is fear, I'm so scared right now of the reaction to this. It's okay to be scared"

I finally uttered some words that needed to be said. 

What felt like this huge crazy confession that I had built up so much quickly turned into a talk with one of my very best friends who didn't skip a beat to show me support and encourage me, to help me figure things out. 

It opened a door of honesty that was lacking between us, lifted that weight off me and proved so much more to me.

Being told I was brave to admit what I had been carrying wasn't what I thought I'd hear either. I failed to realize it was brave, I was focused on how damn scared I was. 

For once I looked at fear and said, I'm gonna feel you, I'm gonna walk with you and I'm still going to do what's brought you here no matter what. 

Honestly, I have never felt such a moment of freedom, of relief. I know not all situations will go this smoothly, but it was still eye opening. 

Now.... If I can do it again, time will tell me that if I can, for now I'm just enjoying the peace it's brought to me, fighting with yourself over your own feelings can become a little overwhelming and almost unhealthy. I didn't need to feel the shame and guilt the way I was, I needed to walk with it, I needed to face it and see if it was even justified and hurdle one proved it wasn't justified, it was fear in my way.

But steps were taken and I'm so thankful for that as it's changed so much already. 

May 11, 2023

I've been thinking a lot. The time of change and shifts we go through are the best times to just think. 

I've found my self in a new place, one where I believe I know all the things I actually want, not saying I'll get them but figuring it out is hard! I've fought with myself over so much lately, I've been down right mean to myself at times, but in some ways I feel I had to hash me out with me. 

All those years I spent trying to fix something instead of realizing it wasn't broken, it just wasn't what it was suppose to be. 

I see now what it is I want and although I feel I'll stay in limbo from fears and what is seemingly impossible, I at least know and I find a sense of peace with that. 

I can answer myself for once in a really long time.

There was this guilt I had for a while, then a ton of denial mixed with confusion. Which, I've landed in a spot of knowing I'll probably never actually know what it's like. 

I can dream, I can long and I can hold it in for all my days and part of me is perfectly content doing so.

I don't think I'm shut off anymore, just not seeking either. 

Finding a way to be okay and stay that way will be a challenge and maybe one day it'll change.

Either it will work, I'll stay content or I'll let go, but mostly I'm sort of glad I at least know and that's probably the hardest part.