Unlikeable

Unlikeable. 

Imagine having a heart pure and full of good intentions but feeling unlikeable. 

Shutting yourself off from allowing others to show you how amazing of a human you are. 

Underestimating the impression you leave on others. 

The laughter and joy you bring to a room, yet feeling you're a bother.

Why is it those who think they are unlikeable are the most likeable and so hard to approach? 

Why does the shells they build seem so impenetrable, just impossible to crack. 

I know I feel unlikeable for the most part, but I wonder if I seem that impossible... 

I don't mean to and I don't think others do either. 

But what do we protect ourselves from?

Something is in us that is just so full of doubt. 

Where does that come from? Is it self-esteem, fear or combination of it all?

In my 4 decades of life, I've never been so focused on how fear holds us so incredibly still and the idea of standing up to those fears. 

But here I am looking in a mirror asking how can someone feel like this and then be so guilty of the exact same feeling myself.

If fear holds you in place, does the truth really set you free? 

At what cost is it worth it to just stand up, let go of fears and just be your true authentic self and speak the truths you hide from so many. 

At the end of the day, what do we actually have to lose?

Walking with fear

There are many common things we all deal with as emotional humans. Some of us deal with more emotions, some less. 

But we all have them, one that is ever present in all of our lives is fear. Sure some of us are a little braver than others, but most still have some fear. 

Be that is an actual fear of say; heights, spiders, clowns etc. or fears of reactions, rejection or even being honest.

It can stem from so many places for each of us and we all handle it so differently.  

I recently read this poem about facing your fears and your disappointments. It offers the thought of just feeling them fully and allowing those feelings to happen. 

Embrace them and make them a part of your life, walk towards them if you will. 

I sat a few days with this, could that work?

 

So, I took something I've been carrying for a few months now that I've fought with myself over, been sick over and just was trying to stuff it away and faced my first road block. 

My anxiety was really high talking to ex about this would be hard, maybe awkward too, would he be upset? shocked? what will his reaction be!

I couldn't squeeze my own hands hard enough. I focused on that fear or reaction.

I thought.. "this is fear, I'm so scared right now of the reaction to this. It's okay to be scared"

I finally uttered some words that needed to be said. 

What felt like this huge crazy confession that I had built up so much quickly turned into a talk with one of my very best friends who didn't skip a beat to show me support and encourage me, to help me figure things out. 

It opened a door of honesty that was lacking between us, lifted that weight off me and proved so much more to me.

Being told I was brave to admit what I had been carrying wasn't what I thought I'd hear either. I failed to realize it was brave, I was focused on how damn scared I was. 

For once I looked at fear and said, I'm gonna feel you, I'm gonna walk with you and I'm still going to do what's brought you here no matter what. 

Honestly, I have never felt such a moment of freedom, of relief. I know not all situations will go this smoothly, but it was still eye opening. 

Now.... If I can do it again, time will tell me that if I can, for now I'm just enjoying the peace it's brought to me, fighting with yourself over your own feelings can become a little overwhelming and almost unhealthy. I didn't need to feel the shame and guilt the way I was, I needed to walk with it, I needed to face it and see if it was even justified and hurdle one proved it wasn't justified, it was fear in my way.

But steps were taken and I'm so thankful for that as it's changed so much already. 

Loving yourself?

I lived most of my life believing no one could like me more than just friend. I’m not saying this for pity or anything either, it's just what I've always carried. 

 I’ve never felt attractive, like ever. I even went through a faze of purposely hiding how I looked naturally during those punk goth days, shaved my head and eyebrows all that.

But the whole notion people tell you that you can't be loved until you love yourself was always something I held on to back then, after I finally let someone in I realized allowing someone to love you is what helps you learn to love yourself in some ways.

When you feel someone loving you I think it allows you to see yourself differently too, you see the good parts you ignore for the most part, you see the light in their eyes because you are giving them the same thing they want, you in a way get a different view of yourself by allowing them in to show you.

So, that notion is pretty damning in some ways and I'm definitely not knocking it, for some people it's the only way to be, I'm genuinely stoaked for anyone who has a grasp on that. But this is what I learned about this very notion. 

Letting someone in is so hard for me it's more about believing that they actually have interest because for the most part I’ve always believed that no one would have interest, so it’s hard to believe. 

Like, in Rocky when Adrian thinks he's teasing her, that level of self doubt is hard to work past. 

It's always in my mind, that I’m too complicated, how I look, how I don’t feel worthy of it. I just always felt people would not be into me, that I only made a good friend. And well, I do, I'm an awesome friend. But I found through a few that there is more to me than that. 

Although I struggled greatly with allowing myself to be loved, I had no issues giving and caring for others.

It's the being loved and cared for. I dive deep in trying to figure out where that block came from and have yet to pinpoint it. 

Hearing other people’s issues with dating ranges in so many ways. We sort of build this stigma around it, losing your independence, being seen as selfish for wanting your own time, having to agree on everything, someone setting boundaries good and bad, all the other bad stuff too.

It’s all there. But what I learned was being fully independent of one another is actually the key to making it work.

Communication, honesty and understanding are also, for me the biggest part of it all. And all those same issues happen within friendships also, you just add a title and some intimacy and it's all heightened 100%. 

But as someone who spent most of my life with those key components held within my friendship with my heterosexual life mate it’s so simple. Yet we lacked our independence. 

We were joined, it wasn't healthy, I have a long write up about that soon.

I think my point is, I shorted myself. I blocked so much out for so long that all I want is the things I know exist. I don't know if it's because I feel like life is short and I'm going to miss out or what. But this has been a nagging feeling for a while now.

Those secret glances you have with only that person. The feeling you get knowing without a doubt they care, they see you more than anyone else, they hear you and let you listen, and they are not scared to show you any of it or fear judgement from others. 

There is just a certain level of freedom in all of that. 

Do you have to really love yourself to allow love in? You should to a certain level, but really loving yourself could certainly be one never ending egg hunt in a maze so large you’ll never find your way out. 

But if someone is there to hold your hand and keep you company it doesn’t seem so bad, their heart speaks to yours and helps you see, you do love yourself you just need a little help seeing it.

Never the same.

You know when the feeling starts to creep in that you're aware things will never be as they once were. That new way of being.

That... heartbreak of losing something you hold dear.

It's that sort of forced feeling, isn't it?
Making you handle it, pushing you to let go of something even if you don't want to.

You have the fears of letting go too soon.
Maybe it'll pass..  it's nothing personal.

The fears that keep you in place.

How is it you can live so honestly but somethings you can not admit, those words can never come out of your mouth.

Would it fix anything? Make it worse? Make it better?

Are the things you foresee losing worth the risk of a confession?

What is worth the risk?

Seeing the shift and feeling it's never going to be the same.
Maybe it won't and that's okay, maybe it will get even better or it continues to get worse.

Until someone is willing and brave enough you are sort of left to wade in waters, without safety.
Just set to drift as far as the sea can take you before you are exhausted and give up or maybe you'll be lucky and someone will rescue you.

And then you'll know that the fears you had about everything changing wasn't for the bad, it was for the better.

At least you can hope so. 

May 11, 2023

I've been thinking a lot. The time of change and shifts we go through are the best times to just think. 

I've found my self in a new place, one where I believe I know all the things I actually want, not saying I'll get them but figuring it out is hard! I've fought with myself over so much lately, I've been down right mean to myself at times, but in some ways I feel I had to hash me out with me. 

All those years I spent trying to fix something instead of realizing it wasn't broken, it just wasn't what it was suppose to be. 

I see now what it is I want and although I feel I'll stay in limbo from fears and what is seemingly impossible, I at least know and I find a sense of peace with that. 

I can answer myself for once in a really long time.

There was this guilt I had for a while, then a ton of denial mixed with confusion. Which, I've landed in a spot of knowing I'll probably never actually know what it's like. 

I can dream, I can long and I can hold it in for all my days and part of me is perfectly content doing so.

I don't think I'm shut off anymore, just not seeking either. 

Finding a way to be okay and stay that way will be a challenge and maybe one day it'll change.

Either it will work, I'll stay content or I'll let go, but mostly I'm sort of glad I at least know and that's probably the hardest part.

2016.

2016, Let’s see... 

You see an influx of hate towards a year when it comes to an end and how the next year will be better. No one really ever says Wow that was the best year!  But in all honesty, it was a good year if you are here to see the next. You may have had some heartache, hardships and loss. But you still get to go through another year of life and that is really something special. 

I tend to recall negatives in my life, I can think back to being a toddler and work myself towards now and point out all the bad unhappy times. In changing that, forcing the brain to seek for the good it changes the outcome of how I want to live, get gives a more hopeful view and with that positive things happen. 

I have posted articles about the power of positive thinking and how I am the only one to blame for my failures. I stand by those and believe them to be true. The years I have dwelled in the past, felt bad for all I didn’t have and came up with excuse after excuse as to why something didn’t work out, I lived in that manner for that year and many others. It takes something to strike a chord and move you to change and REALLY stand by it. Moving to Nashville was that chord and everything since then has pushed me where I feel I should be. Yes, I had great loss in doing so… My Dad the day we moved and almost all of my fur babies have moved on as well. That first year here dealing with losing one of my biggest influences in life was the rock bottom you hear of before you see the crack of light and start to climb towards it. I for once felt a shift and finally started to blossom.  But that was 2013 and we move on..

I brought in 2016 filming Jones World and working on a documentary about Toddzilla, when it actually hit midnight I took a photo of Matthew from across the crowd, then went right back into documenting the rest of the show. The very first day of the year, very tired and sore… We went to film a surprise engagement that would have me get in a helicopter and fly over Nashville to document the newly engaged couple. This set the tone for the year and wow what a year it was!

I found myself settled in the first year of my very first relationship and although it wasn’t always smooth (mostly on my part) I learned a lot and stuck to my promises and always worked out any issues. Dating someone who is also your best friend you tend to lose sight of some parts of the relationship, working together also has a certain effect on that. I’m thankful I am learning these lessons with him and with everything look forward to the future of this crazy little thing called love.

2016 took me to 9 states as well as 2 difference cities within my own state.  You can read about the year in travel here

Those trips sparked a new documentary for us and we jumped head first into making our dream a reality. Never in my life would I think I would have got to do the things I did in 2016, from interviewing Bruce Campbell and the rest of the cast of Evil Dead, to standing in the middle of nowhere North Carolina looking at the remains of the cabin they filmed part 2 in as well as stepping foot into the house The Color Purple was filmed in.  

With every city the hunt for Vegan food was a must for me and have to hand it to Chicago for having the a lot of options, Pittsburgh however had a place we could both eat at, Charlotte however takes the cake for having Vegan food that the non-vegan boyfriend was willing to drive to twice! 

Our time at weddings in 2016 was at an all time high, you learn a lot about people at weddings as well as how to film something on the fly and for me packing food is important too! 

We got to make a few great music videos this year as well as some live shows, I love watching people do what drives them as we are doing what drives us. I love watching Matthew work and feel so grateful we both have the same passion in this art form, it’s never been about a easy way to make money. This line of work when done right isn’t easy, if it is you might be lacking somewhere in there. 

We had our fair share of downs in 2016, mostly towards the end of the year financially we got hit hard! A great Lawyer cost a lot, and we only wanted the best for our legal issues. Matthew wanted nothing more than to stand up for what he felt was right and I would do anything I could to support him on that, in the end it was never about winning or losing, it was about standing up for what was right for us.  The details are no longer important and we are working on moving forward from it, a lot was learned, to many visits to the court house happened and we are better for it. Money can be replaced, it sucked losing every bit of savings we had for emergencies and our projects but we can get it all back in due time. What we gained was peace of mind and money can’t really buy that now can it? Hitting people in the wallet is a low blow so instead of waiting to communicate over something taking them to court may not get you the result you want.  We remained rich in love and support, gained a little weight from stress eating haha, but we can lose the weight and rebuild out bank, that’s what I have to hold to and let go of the rest.

For Christmas to happen for me, I ended up selling one of the last big things my Dad ever got me, my beloved Honda CRV. I recall him pulling up to the house after getting her and his face just being so happy when I came out and said “You got a new car?!” and he said “I think you can borrow it, for as long as you need”  I drove that thing all the way to 220,842 miles. It took us everywhere!  Finally got to the point that putting money into her was getting to be too much, the A/C broke twice and the transmission was getting a little iffy. I won’t lie about the fact of cleaning her out with tears in my eyes. But she helped me put gifts under the tree for those I love the most and I think Dad would have been happy to know that... more seeing Jack’s face seeing his train table. 

Up’s and Down’s… a year in life. Nothing to change or dwell on, we can’t fix any of it only learn from it. Forgiving those mistakes we made or others made is important, but not forgetting what caused those moments for forgiveness just as important. I don’t think you can make a wrong right by just ignoring it and moving on as nothing happened, people forget the magic of an apology but it takes more courage to admit wrong doing that it does to just brush it under the rug. 

I am thankful everyday for the people in my life. How true they are not only to me but to themselves.  There are of course ideas and goals for the coming year, bigger and better. I will always work towards gaining a better respect for myself and others. As well as work towards a healthy lifestyle and stability for my household.  I think a disconnect from true distractions will be worth a shot, I over share sometimes and will pull back a great deal now focusing on business and promoting what we do instead of what is going on with our lives. If someone wants to hear it, they would ask. Posting my every move gives us nothing to catch up on now does it? Then next year, my year in review might be a something worth reading. I love being collection to so many people from my life, but the instant gratification has to be stopped some and relationships need to be looked at as more than a few likes on Facebook.

So, please follow all my projects to keep up. 

Thanks for reading this to the end and I wish you the best year going forward!

A year in travel and movie making.

2016 took me to 9 states as well as 2 difference cities within my own state.  

A year in travel that I never thought would happen, first I finally went to Memphis,TN to film a wedding, but I finally made it! I also had to drive in to Arkansas just to go! 

Trips a side, I saw The Kills right at home in Nashville, TN for the second time with my best friend, in which I believe I caught whatever happened to me next… Off to French Lick Resort in Indiana it was the only “vacation” stop of the year. They had a Wizard of Oz train ride I had to go on, plus staying in this old resort was something we both couldn’t resist. That was followed with a trip across Ohio, into Pittsburgh, PA for what was supposed to be a small side project based on a super fan of The Evil Dead movies and how he obtained the workshed from the second movies filming location. We visited his home right outside of Pittsburgh in a small town in West Virginia. But Pittsburgh is on the list to visit again! I got the Flu on this trip and can now say I have rode down the interstate breaking a fever and feeling like death was hovering. 

Road trips in general prove a lot in a relationship, being super sick on one takes it to a new level and in the end proves how good of a partner you have. Trying to make it home from Pittsburgh like that had us pit stop in Louisville, KY for a night. As many times as I have been to Louisville I never stayed over there, let’s just say hotwire.com is our best friend when traveling you pay much cheaper prices and end up at Crowne Plaza’s. My problem with these 4 star hotels is most of them lack one thing, a stoppable bath tub… So at a lower end one like in Louisville the tub actually let me stop it and soak, which was helpful.

So, the trip to Pittsburgh was beyond worth it regardless of me being sick. Matthew has since became really good friends with the “super fan” Mike and we have joined forces to dig deeper into the filming locations of The Evil Dead movies, enter Evil Dead Uproot.   

Matthew and I already had our first documentary we were working on, our labor of love. But this idea came up and he is such a big fan of those movies it fell into place. We thought, what if we could interview the cast and people who worked on the movies, visit the locations and help people who had an interest see what it’s like there today.  In one way it just seemed like another great idea we had, seeing as we have a full length movie floating around, tons of short stories and other ideas we think are great. But this, it felt different.

First order of business, “If we can’t get Bruce, is it worth it?” We just took the honest approach, sent a ton of e-mails to everyone and their brother in hopes ANYONE would be interested in speaking to us. Mike had the inside scoop with the owner of the Evil Dead 2 cabin and we knew the land from part 1 would be a problem later. First e-mail back, Bruce giving us 15 minutes in Chicago at the Comic Con, it was the closest we was going to be to Nashville.  

Off to Chicago we went in August, which we love Chicago they have great vegan food and well hell we had our first Press Passes for Comic Con. I won’t go into the nitty gritty of behind the curtain on this process but will say, you must have a drive for the end result, you must be willing to be on standby, stressed out and willing to deal with a lot.. a LOT of hoops. But, it happened and that’s all that mattered.

There he was Bruce Campbell, sitting in front of our cameras looking Matthew in the eye answering his questions. If everyone else told us “no’” at this point it wouldn’t have matter, or so it seemed at the time. Our 15 minutes that Bruce said we could have, was cut to 10 minutes by Comic Con and to be honest he seemed like he could have talked to us a little longer, so maybe a second time will happen. 

The trip home from Chicago was bitter sweet, we were wore out from everything we went through while there again, I can’t put into words how stressful the whole thing was. Oh I should mention Mike brought the shed, we helped carry it in, set it up and run his booth while on “standby”. Those conventions serve garbage food that neither of us were willing to eat yet, plus the waits in line were up to an hour, an apple, a bottle of water and some popcorn was all we had in 12 hour day, not to mention lugging gear to and from, add in a mad dash into the city for a possible interview that we missed by minutes due to traffic, parking and carrying everything 4 blocks to the hotel. Maybe next time.

But the trip also had us on fire and ready to take this head on! 

Off to North Carolina! Deep into the woods once stood the shell of a cabin that is now a pile of wood, it just happens to be on one of the most inspiring, nicest, most genuinely kind mans property. Never, in my life would I think I would be out fighting huge spiders, looking for rattlesnakes and wild hogs all while photographing and filming a HUGE structure that was used to make a movie.  It was beyond hot and humid, but jeans were a must. Even though it’s not standing anymore, the size alone took me a while to wrap my head around. They built it JUST for outside shots and run ins. The fake trees and pile of coal still there are proof it’s not just a hunting cabin, it was for a movie.  Which, its on the land that The Color Purple was made, going into the house and see the stair case was also something I never really thought I would be doing. 

Wadesboro, was a huge success for us. People came out and spoke with us about the movie being made there, dropped of pictures of the set and we found every place they used in the film fairy easy. We still will have to return to bid the cabin site a farewell and show its removal in the spring of 2017.

On the way home from North Carolina, I realized how close we got to South Carolina and use to always talk about going to Landrum, SC with my Dad. So Matthew and I took a detour and I got to go. Walking around a town with my last name on everything was strange, course I am thankful for the founding Landrums and glad they have a town in our name. I travel with one of my Dad’s rings so I made sure to wear it while there so he could see I made it.

Luck would have it, the rest of the cast and the special effect guys would be in Cleveland in late September.  Holy Cow!  That had to happen and it did, not without issues but it did! You are dealing with multiple people at one place within a few days, do the math and see how that might work out in your head and then times that by at least 6. The ladies worked with us well, as did the guy who played Scotty. Tom Sullivan opened up his room after hours for his interview and brought in Bart Peirce, these two made all the fun stuff in the movie happen. For us, listening to them would be the highlight and at this moment I realized Bruce was not the only one we wanted to hear from. The few hours we got to spend with them were a real look into making movies and for me Tom is such a genuinely nice guy which great stories I could listen to him talk for much longer. Matthew on the last day started getting sick, so things had to happen quickly so we could get to the next hotel and rest! But, we pulled it off and it felt great getting the cast of Evil Dead on film.  2017 has the cast for part 2 and of course Sam and Rob are on our list, but we will make it work without them still worth a shot in trying!

Lastly, Morristown, TN. Evil Dead was filmed there, it’s a small town in East Tennessee and it’s a place that, NO ONE wants to talk to you. We went earlier in the year and put fliers up; those brought a guy who helped on the film when he was in High School, he shared his time on the set with us and had some stories we hadn’t heard yet. Other than that, Morristown let us down. We had very little help from the press outlets there and all the leads we had fell flat. The owners of the property the cabin once stood contacted us before we even contacted them to tell us we were not welcome there. This puts a dark cloud over the film, but we plan to work around it and not make the focus on one spot.  Only thing I would have done differently was having my gas fuel points card before this all started and I wish Hotwire had a rewards program, also that every town have at least a subway for those of us who like to eat grease free.

Seeing RENT again reminded me of a lot of things I had since put in the back of my mind.
“Another Day” is one of those songs that the ending is powerful to me. Although I don’t agree with the scene itself, the message she tries to give him is heartfelt and inspiring.

 “There is no future, there is no past, I live this moment, as my last.
There’s only us, there’s only this, Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.
No other road, No other way, No day but today”

Jonathan Larson wrote this musical based on his life, the lives of his friends and how important each day of every year was.  After months in small theaters, RENT finally hit Broadway. Only the creator of such wonderful, meaningful songs would not be there to see his success. He died suddenly days before the Broadway opening.

“Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes, how do you measure, measure a year?”

A year, Man a lot can change in a year.  I scan the memory banks of my brain and think of the years I have lived in the way I have done.  The moments I lived to the fullest and the moments I missed, we all do that. Although no one likes to admit regrets, we all have a few we wish we had a do over for.

“No day but today”

How often do we realize the things and people we take for granted? I try not to, but it happens.
Be it with friends, family, lovers, and pets or even running water, we often take those things completely for granted. I know in my travels, seeing sunset lit hills and low laying clouds, to old buildings from 100 years ago or wide open fields with windmills. How beautiful some cities are to me but knowing most of the people living there take it for granted, they see it every day.

It’s like life becomes so routine we just forget to take some time and appreciate what we have.
We go through the motions daily and maybe check in with ourselves to see if we think things are ok.

But if you question, did I live this day like my last? It’s a little eye opening when you realized your routine has left you a little empty some days. You maybe didn’t smile enough to your loved one, or talk long enough on the phone to your parent. Maybe you went out of your way to make something perfect and failed to appreciate yourself for doing so.

Appreciate yourself. Weird idea isn’t it? Waiting for phrase or appreciation from others can make you feel a little less. Not with the idea of people not appreciating you that isn’t what I am saying, it’s wanting that instead of doing something and thinking about who will appreciate this, it should be you.
I fail at this, I take myself for granted. I strive to make things perfect for those in my life instead of just enjoying the moments I have with them, not how perfect I can make a party or decorate a room, getting the best pictures at the right moment.

You know when you first realize you love someone and that fresh “I can take on the world!” feeling is there and you promise you won’t be like “the others” and that your relationship will be open, honest and loving until the end of your days? Then a few years pass and it’s how it was before, you are content and sometimes have hard times and good times, but mostly it’s routine. You think about those promises, you think about the openness you had not only with someone else, but with yourself.

What happens? Do we lose the spark within ourselves to give a damn anymore? Do we get tired of the fight to live in such a way that every day counts and we are the best versions of ourselves?
Do we just get to the point of settling? 
When do we stop pretending the things that bother are us just part of it and actually get brave enough to fit it?

This life is so short and goes so quick, why we can’t make every day count in the biggest most magical way every day is beyond me.

I guess, if I was to be like Buddha and seek my own enlightenment, this would be my biggest challenge.

We stand in our own way, we settle with routine of living a life to what we feel is the fullest.