I lived most of my life believing no one could like me more than just friend. I’m not saying this for pity or anything either, it's just what I've always carried.
I’ve never felt attractive, like ever. I even went through a faze of purposely hiding how I looked naturally during those punk goth days, shaved my head and eyebrows all that.
But the whole notion people tell you that you can't be loved until you love yourself was always something I held on to back then, after I finally let someone in I realized allowing someone to love you is what helps you learn to love yourself in some ways.
When you feel someone loving you I think it allows you to see yourself differently too, you see the good parts you ignore for the most part, you see the light in their eyes because you are giving them the same thing they want, you in a way get a different view of yourself by allowing them in to show you.
So, that notion is pretty damning in some ways and I'm definitely not knocking it, for some people it's the only way to be, I'm genuinely stoaked for anyone who has a grasp on that. But this is what I learned about this very notion.
Letting someone in is so hard for me it's more about believing that they actually have interest because for the most part I’ve always believed that no one would have interest, so it’s hard to believe.
Like, in Rocky when Adrian thinks he's teasing her, that level of self doubt is hard to work past.
It's always in my mind, that I’m too complicated, how I look, how I don’t feel worthy of it. I just always felt people would not be into me, that I only made a good friend. And well, I do, I'm an awesome friend. But I found through a few that there is more to me than that.
Although I struggled greatly with allowing myself to be loved, I had no issues giving and caring for others.
It's the being loved and cared for. I dive deep in trying to figure out where that block came from and have yet to pinpoint it.
Hearing other people’s issues with dating ranges in so many ways. We sort of build this stigma around it, losing your independence, being seen as selfish for wanting your own time, having to agree on everything, someone setting boundaries good and bad, all the other bad stuff too.
It’s all there. But what I learned was being fully independent of one another is actually the key to making it work.
Communication, honesty and understanding are also, for me the biggest part of it all. And all those same issues happen within friendships also, you just add a title and some intimacy and it's all heightened 100%.
But as someone who spent most of my life with those key components held within my friendship with my heterosexual life mate it’s so simple. Yet we lacked our independence.
We were joined, it wasn't healthy, I have a long write up about that soon.
I think my point is, I shorted myself. I blocked so much out for so long that all I want is the things I know exist. I don't know if it's because I feel like life is short and I'm going to miss out or what. But this has been a nagging feeling for a while now.
Those secret glances you have with only that person. The feeling you get knowing without a doubt they care, they see you more than anyone else, they hear you and let you listen, and they are not scared to show you any of it or fear judgement from others.
There is just a certain level of freedom in all of that.
Do you have to really love yourself to allow love in? You should to a certain level, but really loving yourself could certainly be one never ending egg hunt in a maze so large you’ll never find your way out.
But if someone is there to hold your hand and keep you company it doesn’t seem so bad, their heart speaks to yours and helps you see, you do love yourself you just need a little help seeing it.
