unbreakable bond

Unbreakable bonds.

Many people have never understood my bond with Steph, some have but for the most part not many people "get it"
A lot thought we were gay because of our closeness and that we shut everyone out for most of our lives. Even if we were gay, who gives a shit. But turns out, we are not.

When the movie Snow Flower and the Secret Fan came out, it was then I realized the bond. Laotong is a type of relationship in Chinese culture that bonded two girls together for eternity as kindred sisters.

Although obviously we are not Chinese, we are a bonded pair, fate had it's way when we met and for the longest time I never questioned it, I still don't question that bond at all, how we handled it, I do.
Some people view us as sisters and we are, only we share no blood. We met at 9 years ago and she became family instantly.

As we've grown we've had best friends together, a 3rd or 4th person who was friends with "us". It was both or nothing for a very long time. Never stopping to realized some people wanted individual time with each of us.

In my eyes, no one would ever have my back like her, no one deserved my time like she did and NO ONE would get between us.

There is a lot of unhealthy traits in that, there is a level of codependency that was over looked for years. After moving and life changing in such big ways and as with everything in our life she was brave to be the first to start to explore with dating and such. I was proud of her but over looked it for myself, I had no interest after all but wanted her to figure it out.

Recently her and I talked about that and the people who have been in our lives. After my post about Phil she admitted she should have let me explore that more cause at the time she really didn't like him and her influence definitely kept things at bay.
Lucky for her one night he called and I was asleep, so she got to talk to him for a while and later told me she thought he was deep down a good dude. I was always thankful she got that before he died.
He will always be mine and hers first funeral too, another of many scary bonding experiences we've had together.

Along the way we've both found our ways, yes it was absolutely brutal getting here. Our fears of anyone getting between us was real. I was lucky I found a best friend in Matthew and even after dating we remain such, he accepted her and I, he's always reminding me how important friendship is over all else, cause it is.

She may have had some in her life I didn't like, but I would absolutely never make her choose or make her feel she couldn't experience something.
I wanted her to explore, to find a way to be content and of course I'd like to get along with them as well and finally she made it.

But there was a lot of cost in all of that.
Our bond was tested a few times, questions we never had, fears exposed at their highest level, but we never waivered.

It's still all there, in a new way, a healthier way.

She has recently had to endure me wading these waters I'm in. She's encouraging and supportive for what I'll give her, but with all we've been through we can now look at each other and see what we did wrong in the past.
We've forgiven each other for holding the other one back when it may have not been necessary or just done out of fear.
Those times that the advice to make sure the other didn't sway wasn't the best thing to do, but it was to make sure no one could come between us.
Which now is a ridiculous notion. No one could, it's up to us, that's our bond and our choices. Seeing it's okay to allow others in as well was our biggest obstacle.

Even the best intentions can hold us still, especially when there is fear involved.

At the end of the day the paths we took got us to where we are and maybe those road blocks we gave each other were needed. Sometimes it might not feel that way, but I believe it's true. I wouldn't change any of it, well maybe a few things, like that one night... Haha

I still have the truest person in my life. Even if we are now independent of one another. It allows us to be rich in experiences and to bond with other people in ways we couldn't as a pair. It took me years to figure that out, but I'm glad I did and I know she is too.

I guess I have to acknowledge the people who have been in our lives, for understanding or attempting to understanding it. Those who may have wanted a bigger bond with either of us individually or not. I know some have even said it's weird when it's just one of us around and I guess it really is for a few of you. Still I'm thankful for all of it, I'm thankful we collectively have so many amazing friends that accepted us both and as individuals.

Mostly that I can say some bonds can not be broken and I'm one of the lucky ones to have that.